Bringing out the Evil in me
I remember a post on Snapchat one day that read, something along the lines of, I don’t know why but, my psychology is changing and I don’t know how to handle it. But, I’m going to continue to study it so I can further my knowledge and fix my mental issues that i’m going through right now.
I was in a situation where, let’s just say, things weren’t going my way. I was building something big (Ballaxy) and was having obstacles thrown my way that I wasn’t able to overcome at the time. If you read the previous section of this Chapter of The Story you saw that I was in the beginning stages of developing a collage of psychological issues that I was working through.
One that stood out was my PTSD which caused, me to actually speak without control of my words, lash out randomly, and have a mind filled with anger. Some of this anger was focused on the same things that caused my depression as never took myself out of the situation. Losing all of your motivation can send you into a depression.
I was able to find something that motivated me and kept the PTSD under control whenever I was engaging in it’s activities and that was training basketball. It’s crazy how it worked. I built websites and trained basketball but, whenever I was with my basketball players I always felt better. When I wasn’t my mind filled up with anger and hatred like a gas chamber where the gas was impairing my mind.
This anger combined with some of depression based studying (studying with no motivation to do anything else) that I did caused my thoughts to turn evil at times. I don’t necessarily think this was apart of a mental disorder as much as it a chemical imbalance in the brain caused by experiencing a culture shock that I just wasn’t ready for.
Anyway, I was going bad as in my personality was changing into a Not So Mr. Nice Guy at the end of this. But during this time, I felt like I was in hell. I sat at my laptop working on projects without the ability to complete them because, I just couldn’t concentrate on anything but what felt to be “The War of Good and Evil” in my head as that’s what my thoughts were, “Hatred vs. Love”. It’s crazy that I had all of this going on. Even crazier to realize that there was no one on earth I could have talked to about this.